I’m playing Wonkette’s Surge Speech Drinking Game while I do this, so if things get punchy near the end…

Leading with the “blowing up the golden mosque changed everything ” defense: “Their strategy worked. Radical Shia elements, some supported by Iran, formed death squads. And the result was a vicious cycle of sectarian violence that continues today.” Up until then, we were winning. Really.

The mistakes that were made were made by him, but he doesn’t say what those mistakes are. “Tthe responsibility rests with me.” Except for the parts that are fault of Iran, Syria, Al-Qaeda, the insurgents and the New York Times.

Many people he spoke with had an informed opinion on what to do. “And one message came through loud and clear: Failure in Iraq would be a disaster for the United States.” I guess he finally gets it. But does he plan to listen to those opinions?

And here’s the 9/11 tie-in: “On September the 11th, 2001, we saw what a refuge for extremists on the other side of the world could bring to the streets of our own cities. For the safety of our people, America must succeed in Iraq.”

(Grabbing another beer)

And now, here’s the “war in Iraq is really just in Baghdad” message: “80% of Iraq’s sectarian violence occurs within 30 miles of the capital.” And it’s up to the Iraqis to fix this mess.

The mistake was that there “weren’t enough Iraqi and American troops” and that our troops were too restricted. Imagine what Lynndie England could have done if she hadn’t been so short-leashed?

In Baghdad, the Iraqis need 18 army and police brigades for “conducting patrols, setting up checkpoints, and going door-to-door to gain the trust of Baghdad residents.” 18 brigades?! That’s something like 30,000 soldiers, plus mechs and artillery.

Here it comes: Commiting more than 20,000 more troops to Iraq. They’ll work along side of the 10,000 US and Iraqi troops in Baghdad (how many Iraqi troops are there? Twenty-three?).

(I need another beer)

Before, insurgents hung out at the 7-11 until the troops left their neighborhood. This time, troops will house-sit until they return.

“In earlier operations, political and sectarian interference prevented Iraqi and American forces from going into neighborhoods that are home to those fueling the sectarian violence.” This time, we’re sending in denizens of downtown Baltimore – we have to get those troops from somewhere, dont’cha know - to set up “corners” in those neighborhoods.

Our commitment to Iraq is not open-ended. “If the Iraqi government does not follow through on its promises, it will lose the support of the American people.” Um,…guess what?…

It’s going to be messy, and making sure we see how messy it actually becomes is all part of the insurgent/mainstream media coalition strategy. “Most of Iraq’s Sunni and Shia want to live together in peace…” Except for the Sunni and the Shia. “…and reducing the violence in Baghdad will help make reconciliation possible.” Except that they are the violence in Baghdad.

(Another beer already?)

We need to roll out more $10 billion, no-bid contracts; but this time Iraq is footing the bill – from, you guessed it, oil revenue – and Condi Rice is going to be personally in charge of making sure Halliburton gets their piece of the action.

(I’m almost out of beer)

We’re going to “build a grand army” for the Iraqi people. Oh wait, that’s Palpatine. Too many beers, sorry.

Al-Qaeda’s new home base in Iraq – for real, this time. And they are gunning for Iraq’s new government. “This would bring al Qaeda closer to its goals of taking down Iraq’s democracy, building a radical Islamic empire and launching new attacks on the United States at home and abroad.” Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecies.

And since we have all of these troops there, it’s time to address Iran and Syria (gulp). It’s time for Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Egypt and others to step up.

We have to stay and Iraq and sacrifice more Americans to make the sacrifices made by dead Americans mean something.

“Millions of ordinary people are sick of the violence,” so we need to stay there and fight? Is he playing the drinking game, too?

Victory will not look the ones our fathers and grandfathers received. You know, like actual victories.

(Now, I’m out of beer)

“Our new approach comes after consultations with Congress about the different courses we could take in Iraq.”

“Acting on the good advice of Sen. Joe Lieberman…” He used the “L” word! Lieberman is Congress, after all. We need a bigger army. We also need more civilians, “where they can help build democratic institutions in communities and nations recovering from war and tyranny.” Any takers?

“These young Americans understand that our cause in Iraq is noble and necessary — and that the advance of freedom is the calling of our time.” Where have we heard this before?

“Fellow citizens: The year ahead will demand more patience, sacrifice, and resolve…Now America is engaged in a new struggle that will set the course for a new century. We can and we will prevail.”

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

“Now back to Deal or No Deal, already in progress…”